“But They’re a Member”: 10 Red Flags You Shouldn’t Ignore in Dating

“But They’re a Member”: 10 Red Flags You Shouldn’t Ignore in Dating

It’s easy to assume that if someone is a member of the Church, returned from a mission, or holds a temple recommend, they must be a safe choice for marriage. You might even think that because there aren’t many members where you live, it’s better to be with someone in church than outside of it. But membership alone is not a guarantee of kindness, safety, or emotional health. Even people who appear “worthy” can be manipulative, controlling, or abusive.

Here are 10 red flags you should never ignore in a dating relationship:

1. Love-bombing

At first they overwhelm you with affection and attention, but then suddenly withdraw, leaving you confused and always hoping for the “warmth” to return.

2. Controlling behavior

They tell you who you can see, criticize your friends or family, or punish you with silence or anger when you make your own choices.

3. Violence or intimidation

They lash out in anger, slam doors, or use body language to scare you. President Russell M. Nelson taught: “Any kind of abuse of women, children, or anyone is an abomination to the Lord. … The Savior will not tolerate abuse, and as His disciples, neither can we.”

4. Nothing is ever good enough

No matter how much you sacrifice, they always want more and leave you feeling inadequate.

5. Pressure

They push you into things that make you uncomfortable. Physically, sexually, emotionally, or spiritually.

6. Gaslighting

They deny what happened, twist your words, or tell you you’re “too sensitive.” Over time, you doubt your own memory and reality.

7. Comparisons

They measure you against their ex or others, making you feel like you’re always in competition.

8. Threats

They say they’ll hurt themselves, or even you, if you don’t comply.

9. Using faith as a weapon

They say “The Spirit told me” to pressure you, accuse you of being “unchristlike” when you set boundaries, or use callings or worthiness as a shield against accountability.

10. Secrecy

They insist on hiding the relationship, refuse to meet in public, or tell you not to share what happens between you.

What to do if you notice these signs

If you recognize any of these red flags in your relationship, trust your feelings. The Spirit brings peace and clarity, not confusion, fear, or shame (see Moroni 7:13). Don’t be afraid to set boundaries and say, “I’m not comfortable with that”. Standing up for yourself is healthy, not un-Christlike. It also helps to reach out to a trusted parent, leader, or friend, because abuse thrives in silence. And remember, it is never a weakness to seek professional help; therapy and counseling are tools the Lord can use to help you find healing and safety.

Remember

Choosing a spouse is one of the most important decisions of your life. A temple recommend may reflect someone’s relationship with God but the way they treat you shows their readiness for a covenant relationship.

If you see red flags, don’t ignore them. You deserve a relationship where you both seek to treat each other the way Christ would treat you. One that is built on love, trust, respect, and the Spirit of Christ.